The Beach Plum (Portsmouth, New Hampshire)

Like any good ad man, I judge places by their billboards. And there’s one billboard that catches my eye each and every summer when I’m driving through Revere. Now, bear in mind that Revere is home to Kelly’s Roast Beef, the greatest beach restaurant in the civilized world. What kind of restaurant – especially one from New Hampshire! – would have the chutzpah to advertise their lobster rolls right down the street from Revere Beach?

Well, The Beach Plum in Portsmouth, New Hampshire has the schnutzes to do so. But should they?

We hit The Beach Plum on the way back from picking the kids up from camp. It was a steamy summer afternoon and The Beach Plum was jammed, but they were handling it with aplomb.

The menu board contained a multitude of interesting things to consider.

First, they offer “beach style” lobster rolls. What could that possibly mean? (I’m guessing that it means that you get a bag of chips.)

Secondly, they boast “premium hard shell” lobsters (hard shell means that the lobster has grown into the shell and it usually has more meat; soft shell means that that lobster grew a new shell and there’s usually less meat but it can be more tender).

Finally, you order by the amount of lobster meat! Mind blown! (I went for the 10 oz. roll for a pricey $21.99).

Crustacean: The lobster meat was incredible. Pure perfection. I’d marry it if bestial-polygamy was legal. It was mostly claw and knuckle meat and it was glorious. 49 points

Components: The Beach Plum is all about the lobster. They don’t even have lettuce in their roll! It didn’t taste salt, pepper or lemon. We’re talking plentiful lobster, just enough mayo, butter and roll (the roll was butter-grilled exactly right). Truthfully, I’m not sure much more is required, if you get the basics right.  29 points

Construction: The roll was overflowing with lobster and I ate a little of the top with a fork before picking up the roll. I guess that’s a complaint but not really. 19 points

Total score: 97

The lobster roll at The Beach Plum was so, so good even though it was so, so pricey. Well worth the drive to New Hampshire, this roll is going to be tough to beat. You’ve earned your billboard, Beach Plum!

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Manhattan Sandwich Co. (Marblehead, Massachusetts)

Lobster rolls are so simple that there’s generally not much more involved in ordering one than saying: “I’ll have the lobster roll, please,” so imagine my surprise when I was asked whether I wanted my roll toasted.

My first instinct, naturally, was to panic. How am I supposed to know whether I want the roll toasted? Obviously I wanted the roll grilled with butter, the normal way. Leaning back on my military training (I watched “Stripes” a lot as a kid) I gathered my wits and thought through the dilemma. A raw bun could be nice but it could also be chewy and soggy. A toasted bun could be nicely warmed and crisped or it could be too hard. I decided to go with the toasted bun. And then I wondered why “Stripes” turns into an action movie halfway through. Did they run out of yucks?

Manhattan Sandwich Co. is a good, dependable sandwich shop in a strip mall in Marblehead. Nothing about it is vaguely Manhattan-esque.

Crustacean: I’m going to assume that the lobster was local lobster and not flown in from Manhattan. The lobster meat was excellent and the portion was quite generous for the $9.99 price.  Clearly the closer you get to the source the cheaper and better the lobster gets. 48 points

Components: This was a very simple roll featuring just lobster, mayo and shredded lettuce. All of the components were great – except for the roll, which was too doughy, too big and just not the best canvas for the lobster.  12 points

Construction: The roll was a little lopsided, with more meat on one side than the other. Thankfully, I was able to redistribute the lobster with minimal effort.  The top of the roll was over-toasted as I feared, but I’m still not sure if I would have been better off with a raw roll. 12 points

Total score: 72

The lobster roll was also accompanied by a bag of chips of my choosing (ugh, more decisions!) I wish I could give this a higher grade based on how excellent the lobster meat was and what a great value it was, but a lobster roll consists of both lobster and roll and the roll really let me down this time. Even so, I’d still recommend a stop by the Manhattan Sandwich Co. next time you’re in the Head.

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McDonald's (Boston, MA)

It was inevitable that I was going to feel compelled to review the lobster roll at McDonald’s at some point this summer. That point arrived today. First off, let me establish that I’m generally supportive of McDonald’s. I enjoy (well-made) McDonald’s on a road trip. I made ads for them for 5 years. I got to know their business and their people and I don’t think they’re the great Satan that so many people make them out to be.

I also have history with the lobster roll at McDonald’s. Years before it became a national sensation the lobster roll was offered up in Maine and I worked on that business. I have a great memory of being in a meeting at the Freeport McDonald’s where we were all going to try the lobster roll for the first time. They brought up a fresh tray of rolls around 11:00 and they sat in the sun while the owners argued about coupons for a few hours. By the time we finally got around to eating they were in questionable shape but nobody said anything. Cut to about an hour later when one of the junior account guys passed out on the table in a huge crash. We all laughed and laughed. Sure, it was pretty sad when he died at the hospital later that night, but I’ll never forget that crash at the meeting. Boom! Down goes Frazier!

Anyway, I enter this review with low expectations and warm feelings towards McDonald’s. Furthermore, I didn’t go to one of those fancy new McDonald’s – I hit up the local “locks on the bathroom doors” McDonald’s in Downtown Crossing. I suspect that they don’t sell a lot of lobster rolls in a day.

Crustacean: Sadly, my first bite included a piece of shell (I sure hope it was shell). Otherwise the (not fresh) lobster wasn’t bad but it was on the flavorless side. It did have a cute piece of mini-claw as featured on the translite. Overall the lobster wasn’t great but it wasn’t awful either. 20 points

Components: The lobster salad was just meat with a little mayo. McDonald’s eschewed the butter-grilled New England hot dog bun for a small torpedo roll with little seeds (I sure hope they were seeds) that seemed suspiciously like the McRib bun. The lack of butter hurt the flavor and the bottom bun under the lettuce was dry. There was leaf lettuce that felt/tasted suspiciously like the McChicken lettuce. Hey – I think they’re just using stuff that was already lying around the stock room! 10 points

Construction: It was kind of slapped together, but that’s what you expect from an urban McDonald’s.  The lobster portion was pretty generous considering the $7.99 price point. 10 points

Total score: 50

I’m not going to say that the lobster roll at McDonald’s was good. It most certainly wasn’t. But it wasn’t terrible, either, which is pretty impressive for McDonald’s. Don’t go out of your way to get one, but if you happen to be at a McDonald’s and you feel like taking a risk, go for it.

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The Littlest Bar (Boston, Massachusetts)

Many years ago a co-worker and I were traveling through the wilds of Massachusetts (meaning outside of Route 128) to a client meeting. As usual, we were running late and didn’t eat lunch ahead of time. Desperate times call for desperate measures and we eventually found a country gas station. Assessing the situation I went for the ultra-safe Power Bar and pretzel option. My friend, being British, pulled a tuna fish sandwich out of the cooler. A tuna fish sandwich. Made with mayo. At a country gas station. I asked him what he was thinking, but as I said, he’s British, so he didn’t see the harm.

I was reminded of this story when a (different) friend suggested that we eat at The Littlest Bar in Boston and I decided to get the Lobster Roll. A lobster roll. Made with mayo. At a city bar. Now, in my non-British defense, the ocean – where lobsters come from – is visible from The Littlest Bar. But it was still a poor decision. A very, very poor decision on my part. But this blog demands my full commitment.

I recall The Littlest Bar being in Downtown Crossing so it had obviously been a decade since I had been there because it relocated to the financial district about 8 years ago. The “Succulent Lobster Roll” was the first item listed in the sandwich section, so like Det. Charles Boyle from the Brooklyn 9-9, I dove headfirst into the succulent.

Crustacean: while the menu boasted “fresh maine (sic) shucked lobster meat,” I think they meant “can” when they said “maine”. The meat was artificially red, smelled off and tasted terrible. 10 points

Components: The Littlest Bar decided to pursue a lottest of questionable ingredients, including: chiffonade romaine lettuce (soggy), tomatoes (meh), basil aioli (an extremely weird flavor to add to lobster, overwhelming and off-putting), diced celery (unnoticeable) and buttery brioche roll (a little thick but fine). All in all, this is a case of trying too hard and majorly failing. 15 points

Construction: they were cheap with the lobster, but in retrospect that was probably for the best. There were too many vegetables underneath. It was adequately constructed at best. 10 points

Total score: 35

It was an awful lobster roll. The worst I can recall eating. Not worth the $19.99 at all, especially with the bad cole slaw and soggy fries. The only good news is that McDonald’s probably won’t get my lowest grade now.

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Woodman’s (Essex, Massachusetts)

Woodman’s of Essex is one of the most famous clam shacks in the world. They claim to have invented the fried clam back in the 1920s and people have been lining up ever since. We love making the trip to Essex. It’s a beautiful drive up the coastal route of 127 through Beverly and Manchester-by-the-Sea that ends in the adorable little clam and antiques town of Essex.

While technically a clam shack, Woodman’s is quite large, with seating indoors, outdoors and upstairs. There are also three lines to contend with: the main food line, the outdoor line for boiled lobsters, and the beverage line. The combination of crowds, chaos and crusty New Englanders makes this an intimidating experience for rookies but it’s well worth it.

In addition to ordering clams every which way (steamed, fried, chowdered) I also grabbed a lobster roll for $19.95, which puts it at the higher end of the price spectrum. The roll was served with some potato chips that had been ruffled (presumably at a factory).

Crustacean: the lobster was fantastic. The meat was sweet and cooked perfectly. I’m not sure if they were American or Canadian lobsters (the sea border is literally porous) but they were pretty close to perfect. 49 points

Components: Woodman’s featured the core 4: lobster, mayo, roll, butter. Unsurprisingly they hewed to the traditional recipe and don’t truck with vegetables. 26 points

Construction: the serving of lobster salad was generous but not overwhelming. The roll was perfectly grilled and was not too bready. The only complaint that I could see would be the heavy hand of mayo. I’m a big mayo fan so it didn’t bother me, but I could imagine complaints from people who don’t bathe in mayo. 18 points

Total score: 93

Obviously I highly recommend that you visit Woodman’s of Essex and take down a lobster roll. You won’t be sorry.

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Judging Criteria

All lobster rolls will be judged using our proprietary 3C (Three Sea) methodology, aspiring to earn a maximum of 100 points.

Crustacean (50 points maximum):

What could be more important when judging a lobster roll than the lobster meat itself?  Our first - and most important - category for evaluation is the crustacean itself. How good is the taste of the lobster meat (with sweetness typically being the indicator of a good lobster) and how well was it prepared? Lobster is easy to cook but also easy to overcook, leaving the meat rubbery and flavorless.

This category judges overall taste and quality.

Components (30 points maximum):

By my criteria, the traditional New England lobster roll contains just four key ingredients: lobster, mayonnaise (for the lobster), split top bun, butter (for grilling the bun). And it’s served cold. Usually with potato chips and a pickle spear on the side.

That said, I’m not a lobster roll fundamentalist. Please feel free to add lettuce, tomatoes, scallions, capers, bacon, or whatever you want to your roll. Serve it warm with butter if you like. Deconstruct it. I don’t care.

The lobster roll is merely a canvas and mixing up the components is where the chef’s artistry comes in. This category judges ingredients and innovation.

Construction (20 points maximum):

A sandwich, by definition, is filling surrounded by bread, usually accompanied by condiments. The challenge is to make a sandwich as generous as possible while still maintaining its edibility. Having to use a fork to eat lobster off the roll before you can pick it up defeats the whole purpose of getting a lobster roll. I want the perfect ratio of lobster to mayo and butter-grilled bun to lobster salad in every bite. Too much of any one element throws off the whole sandwich experience.

This category judges ratios and sandwich construction.

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Trawling for Lobster

Lobster Roll Call Home Port

 When I was a kid I thought that lobster was the most delicious and exotic food in the world. I ordered it whenever I could (usually on my birthday) and my Mom was kind enough to always bring me back a claw if she ever had lobster for dinner.

I loved everything about the lobster experience: the bib and the crazy utensils, the drawn butter, the methodical eating order (tail, claws, knuckles, legs) and the taste, most of all.

One summer during college I even ended up working in a lobster restaurant (The Princeton Lobster Pound) where I learned the lobster master’s secret technique of cooking the perfect lobster (throw lobster in steamer, take lobster out of steamer a few minutes later).

So, imagine my delight when I discovered the LOBSTER ROLL: all of the deliciousness of lobster with less work and more mayonnaise.

I’ve eaten countless lobster rolls over the years and I’m finally ready to share my advanced lobster knowledge with the rest of the world.

In this blog I will circle the globe (but mostly just drive around New England) in search of the perfect lobster roll.

So, please, come along for the ride. And feel free to leave the bib at home.

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